35 - 35

i learned something new this pregnancy. Some women get really excited about "35 weeks & only 35 days to go" - that's me today (depending on what "due date" you believe :)
i feel like baby has turned - (maybe more on that later in another post) & i feel more comfortable... i feel excited, anticipation...
i also *feel*... a lot.
Today, God gave me a moment of clarity that i needed.
It was a picture in my head... i was looking furtively around, almost in a panic - for all the things i thought i needed. Rushing from this corner to that, looking in every nook & cranny to find whatever it was that had driven me to this state.
Suddenly i found my face cupped in His hands.
Not Neils.
Not my children's...
Not a doctor's or a midwife's...
There was no substitute.
There was a pause - like when you're already in motion & you get stopped so quickly, you get whiplash.
"Here, paige... here is your peace..." He reminded me, allowing me to glimpse into His Goodness.
There was nowhere else to look... nobody else to expect to give it to me... nowhere else i needed to turn.
Here - with my cheeks resting on the palms of His hands - i found myself worshipping my Saviour. The One who comforts and consoles - the one who *sees me* - & the only One who is worthy. The One to whom i can completely surrender. The One in whom i become lost...
Here... Here is my peace.

Christmas 2009- What's it like?

i actually made some lame attempt at a Christmas letter to post... but i'm at Jess' house & so i can't access it on my computer & post it for you all to yawn through.
What i really wish is that i could post a snapshot for you all to see what it's like having Christmas here with my side of the family...
Both my sisters have gathered here with their husbands & between them 13 children, plus my family of 8... My mom & dad are here from Victoria, bringing the total to 27? & then the 2 that are still hiding in the secret place. i think we're all glad Jess has a big house.
Right now, the boys are playing foos ball in the basement, Haven is playing the mandolin, Granny the banjo, Jess on the piano, Gramps has pulled out his guitar i think i see Cairo, Sloan, Carrie & Stephanie on the fiddles. Children have sifted in & out of the music room over the past 2 days - sometimes it's just the mamas too. There have been many rounds of both sledding and bouts in the hot tub. Lots of arms to scoop up the littlest 3 who are all under 2.
There were a few presents, lots of food & even more music. We've had a Christmas play, recitations & performances. There was a game of "risk", a puzzle, a "living nativity" followed by Grampsie interactively telling the Christmas story. There have even been some chances for quiet conversation... snatched in moments when moments are snatched... We've shared pass me downs, dishwashing & vacuuming. Wyatt made me read passages from his latest favourite book & take a pokemon personality test... that left me completely bewildered. The cousins have paired off in their usual circles - or taken breaks & formed new alliances for an hour or two at a time.
Over the years, i've watched so many little faces change from baby faces - to the faces of young adults... The energy runs pretty high with this many people in one house, but it's like a beautiful painting - the mixing & mingling of colours & shapes... each unique piece that when put together forms a family.
My family.
& that's what we look like, on this December 25th 2009.

and we will keep praying...

When Gagey had his emergency, we emailed some of our friends and family to let them know the details of what had happened. The responses were something that blessed me as a momma who cares *deeply* about the full recovery of her son...
The solitude i felt in that waiting room during his surgery was replaced by company as we received several emails that stated simply: "and we will keep praying for a full recovery for him and peace for the rest of you..."
What comfort to know that in that inescapable vigil that a parent makes when their child's health is still uncertain, we're joined by friends and family - who love him too... who will pray for him too & who will believe for the best possible outcome for him. (Btw, that appointment is the first week of the new year...)
Lately, i have been feeling *covered* in prayer. What is it about prayer that it has the ability to bring about change, healing, miracles, peace & comfort?
i'm praying for you, little baby... & i know that in this, i'm not alone.

christmas quiz

k, laziest post ever... doing one of those corny quizzes that i stole off some random blog... pathetic, i know, but i'm in the moooooood.

1. egg nog or hot chocolate?
i've never tried egg nog, but we always buy it for Neil... it looks kind of gross. What's up with the non refrigerated variety i've seen in the grocery store lately? That can't be good... isn't it supposed to have raw eggs in it? ewwww... i love hot chocolate. Especially with whipped cream.

2. Does santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
um... does santa even *give* presents in our house? Not likely... i stink at Christmas... Come to think of it, there's not even a tree. Why am i doing this quiz?

3. Coloured lights or white?
i guess white since we don't have lights either. Aren't we grinches? We do that 'cause we are trying to preserve energy for the sake of our energy depleted planet, so we're actually better than you are.

4. Do you hang mistletoe?
No. But i would if i could get some fresh. & i still go for all the smooches i can... & i always look for it at my mom's house 'cause she never fails to hang it. She must like smooches too.

5. When do you put your decorations up?
it's not like i've *never* done *any* decorating.... but we didn't do any this year... other than our cute due date chain... Neil is happier this way & claims if he ever sees another Christmas decoration it'll be too soon. He threw most of mine out when he "cleaned out the garage" earlier this year. i love my stern faced man. He makes me giggle.

6. What is your favourite holiday dish?
Hands down, stuffing. i use my sister's recipe & i have never *ever* tasted better. But i'll even eat stove top if you serve it to me...

7. Favourite holiday memory as a child.
*Cousins*

8. When & how did you learn the truth about Santa.
My parents never pretended anything to us. i don't remember ever believing in him... Mollen got into a fight with her cousin last year about who existed: "God & Jesus" vs. "Santa". There were many tears & i felt affirmed in my decision to be truthful with her. (It was a pretty funny little battle though... i only heard the aftermath, i wish i could've heard those 2 4year olds going at it... )

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas eve?
That was always our tradition when i was growing up - & we usually do that now too... i figure anytime is a good time to open a gift. i stink at waiting... & i'm greedy... i hate having gifts wrapped in my closet too... i just want to give them *now*.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree?
When i have had a tree in the past, i love to decorate with butterflies. Not very Christmassy eh? But, it suits me...

11. Snow. Love it or dread it?
It's not my favourite. i fall farther to the "dread it" side. But, i love Sloanie's pink cheeks & crazy hair when she comes in from sledding... The other day, she had a branch as big as my hand tangled into her mane. She must go nuts out there...

12. Can you ice skate?
Yeah. i'm a good Canadian prairie girl. Are you giggling when you ask that question picturing my rotund body on a pair of skates? i stink at it, but i pretend i'm worse than i am so that Neil will hold my hand.

13. Do you remember your favourite gift ever?
No. But i will guess that maybe it was the year i got a pogo stick. Rockin'est present. i used that sucker up.

14. What's the most important thing about the holidays for you?
Remembering that i *needed* my Saviour... & that God chose to send Him as a tiny baby - full of vulnerability. He loves me that much... i find it impossible to think about Christmas without thinking about His death and resurrection. My love for my Jesus is the truest thing about me.

15. What is your favourite holiday dessert?
Probably lindor chocolates. They taste "healthy" don't they? Like you are doing something good for your body by eating them. They lie. But, they're still yummy to eat.

16. What is your favourite holiday tradition?
i love knowing that my mil is going to buy me fresh jammies.

17. What tops your tree?
Nothing. But i suppose it should be a star eh?

18. Do you prefer giving or receiving?
i told you i'm greedy. i like giving if i know i have a good gift to give, but i STINK at shopping & finding the perfect gift... i don't get a lot of presents either though & that's ok with me. Mostly i just want mistletoe...

19. Candy canes - yuck or yum.
yum. Especially when they're crunched up in white chocolate.

20. Favourite Christmas show?
The plays that Cai puts on every year. i think she might end up in theatre.

21. Saddest Christmas song?
i don't know. i'll be home for Christmas? i hate nostalgia.

22. What is your favourite Christmas song?
The whiteheart version of little drummer boy. It's on youtube & everyone should go listen to it. It makes me happy.

baby talk - less than 6 weeks left

*from Saturday, Dec 19th*
"Baby, ah yahv you!" Gage shouts to my belly, echoing the words he has heard so often. i question his sincerity... Does he know 'love' & understand the tiny baby who often wrestles me from within as he wrestles me 'from without'?
"Where's the baby?" i ask... It's less frequent now that he points to his own belly... he knows that mine is the secret hiding place of this mysterious baby who takes up so much of the space that previously belonged to him.
Lately, i have found myself to be more wrapped up in my baby's position - rather than in my baby... How did that happen? As i type this, little person has the hiccups & is all cuddled on one side of my belly... with sweet head perched up between my ribs.
Darling baby - i know there must be a good reason why you're upside down. Finally today - i'm feeling a little more peace.
i was talking to God - about my concerns - i told Him that the word "breech" scares me a little. i told Him that the word breech combined with the words anterior placenta seemed to limit some of my options... i told Him that i didn't want baby's birth story to be told by policy or procedure... but instead i wanted a peaceful, natural birth...
& you know what i feel like He wants me to do? i feel like i'm to wrap it all up - in a big bundle or package, tying it all up - so that none can escape & fall back into my lap - & hand it to Him...
Kind of how my little ones do with their orange peels.
Papa, will you take care of this for me? Father, i give *You* this baby - completely - including baby's birth. i know that you created us both - & by Your design, baby will either turn, or remain breech... neither because we're flawed or broken... but because of how You made us. Father - i don't know how this little one will enter this world... but... would *You* please be the one to catch?
amen

sharing sisters

i was more than giddy when i found out my sister is pregnant.
Even if it's only a few weeks, it will be fun to be expecting our seventh children together.
She teased her excited husband for buying their baby a present only days after having a positive pregnancy test - but i happen to know that it was her who first dropped money on the new babe when we each bought raw amber teething necklaces for our unborn babies.
We share ideas, solutions & stories, along with our older sister - in our motherhood journey... we share a passion for our children, homeschooling & marriage... & in these days, we share an excited anticipation for the babes to come.
& this time, we will be sharing another teeny element of our lives as we grow these newest little ones.
We will each be nursing our toddler sons.
Seems so much less lonesome to be counter culture when your sister joins you.

5th midwife appointment - Cai's turn

Peyton again declined attending - insisting she was waiting for daddy to be able to come, so Cai quickly volunteered to take her place.
The roads were full of slush as our deep freeze had finally ended & we were granted a small reprieve from the bone chilling winter of the week before.
We talked about the appointment to come & the excitement of another little baby entering our home.... & then we drove in silence for a bit.
"Mom, are miscarriages hereditary?"
i immediately felt guilty - for losing my babies & also for giving my daughter a reason to be afraid.
"i don't think that's the case with me, honey... Granny & Gam never lost any babies - & neither did auntie Nancy or auntie Jessie - maybe it's a combination of your daddy & me... i don't know..."
She wanted to know about my aunties & grandma who had lost babies - i told her their names & we got so distracted in remembering these little ones that i drove right past the clinic. i turned the van around & we parked.
Cai walked inside like she belonged there.
"i love this artwork!" She exclaimed over the floating bellies & breasts.
i smiled.
She ran over to the display of organic teas & read all the titles of the books available, finally settling down next to me as i read a chapter from "Baby Catcher" that i decided to take home. On impulse i grabbed my favourite prep book for childbirth, "Spiritual Midwifery" too & signed them out at the desk to borrow till my next appointment.
Finally they called my name & we went into the little room.
We talked about the progress of my pregnancy & about how little one has been so active as of late - i told the midwife i was sure babe had been trying to turn to a vertex position over the weekend & i was fairly certain we had success.
After palpating my belly for a few minutes, she grunted, "nope, baby is still breech - here, feel this way - you can tell that that is a little bum in your pelvis & a little head in your ribcage..."
i could feel my heart growing heavy with disappointment. i was almost 34 weeks... Would baby turn in time? We listened to the teeny thumping heartbeat... & drove home... thoughtful & hopeful...
ps
i want to be honest...
When i was pregnant with Gagey i struggled with anxiety throughout my entire pregnancy. i couldn't watch my little ones going off the diving board, or riding their bikes. Each night, i had nightmares & terrifying images flooded my mind - regardless of how much i prayed or thanked God for the little boy growing inside. i prayed, even during Gage's pregnancy, that if God would ever bless us with another baby, would He please spare me the anxiety? & He was faithful to do just that. My pregnancy this time 'round has been so peaceful... but on my drive home & in the moments & days since my appointment - i feel that anxiousness trying to creep back in. Letting it go is such a struggle for me...
& that's where i'm at... for real.

i sang you a song

You were awake. i could tell by your little jutting elbows and knees.


Why should i feel discouraged? Why should the shadows come?
Why should my heart feel lonely, & long for heaven & home...


Each note, drawn out... my voice was fuller in the small space as i sang my song for you, baby...


When Jesus is my portion, a constant friend is He...
His eye is on the sparrow & i know He watches me.


Can you hear me, baby? He loves us, o how He loves us...


i sing because i'm happy, i sing because i'm free!
His eye is on the sparrow & i know he watches me....
His eye is on the sparrow & i know... he watches over...
you & me.


My voice breaks on the last note. Are you listening, little one? He's watching us. He cares for us - & tends to our needs. Is the sound in your snug home too muffled to catch the joy in my voice? He sees me in my vulnerable state - carrying you, naked and needy within... He notices the pause in my step as you shift positions & i have moments of discomfort or pain... What a Good Shepherd - who gives us such good gifts & sustains us in our weakness.


i love you, Father & hope to point each of the little ones in my care to Your tender embrace.


Isaiah 40:11 He tends His flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart; He gently leads those that have young...

lord of the dance

We had Cairo's fiddle jam last night.
(If you have read my blog for any length of time at all, you probably know where this is going.)
There were maybe 50-60 fiddlers at the Irish Cultural Center - plus at least that many parents & grandparents (a sour looking bunch, i thought) that were seated audience style in the dark behind the huge lit up circle that the fiddlers made. Neil quit sitting with us after Charter & Mollen made their 4th trip to the snack table... (We have different views on that... i told them to fill up & not say they're hungry when they get home... He embarrasses too easily. Little did he know).
You're meant to *move* to fiddle music. Sloanie & Peyton had brought their fiddles too & were trying their best to play along during some of the songs they knew, so that left the 3 small fry sitting somewhere between Neil & i (Charter 7, Mollen 5 & Gage 22mos). It wasn't long before Mollen decided she wanted to dance. Before starting, she asked if she could turn my jacket into a dress - she needed it buttoned right up to her throat - it shouldn't have surprised me that the detail of "costume" wouldn't escape her. She started tapping her feet... then flapping her arms... then jumping - just a little - before fully transforming into the lord of the dance in the small dark space around our chairs. Charter ignored her & kept eating cookies. She would return to me, breathless, between songs & say, "MOM! I LIKE my moves, i'm GLAD i have them!!!"
i glanced over at Neil who was trying his best to pretend that he wasn't with us - & i saw his face turn white as he choked on his rice krispy square. i turned to see what had caught his eye & i see Mollen who is now irish dancing in the middle of the HUGE circle of fiddlers - jiggedy-jig, up & down with her arms plastered to her side - Michael Flatley would've been proud. Cai has stopped fiddling & is laughing so hard in horror & humiliation that there are tears streaming down her face. Most of the other fiddlers are smiling encouragingly at her. One of Cai's friends turns to her and says, "Is your sister in Irish Dance?" "NO!" Cai sputters - "i have no idea what she's doing!" Molls isn't even cracking a smile, she's concentrating so hard on her fancy footwork. When the song ends, she spins on her heel & walks all the way back around the circle, back to me & says, "wheuf, i'm hot!"
Well, i guess so!
Then she gives me a confident smile & says, "if they do another slow one, i'm gonna throw in some ballet." (!!??)
That's my girl.

a hill to die on...

Yep.
i hit one of those this week.

What? It's only Tuesday?

Well, i like to get things done, so i hit that particular hill first thing on Monday morning.
The painful, agonizing, truth is that parenting (& can i get a little more specific?? ... homeschooling) is *hard work*. & like my momma used to say, sometimes you just know that this is one battle that you have to win.
i know that my precious child feels like perhaps i don't love them - in those moments of agonizing frustration... because why else would i be inflicting this pain upon us all?
But, that sweet little person doesn't see that it's *because* i love them that i am willing to waste my entire day in this battle to help them gain a little character... a little discipline... a little knowledge... a little humility... a little fortitude.
It's one of the hidden *treasures* of homeschooling. i've heard people say they couldn't homeschool 'cause they would "drive each other nuts". In homeschooling - there are days - where we *do* drive each other nuts... but we always have to work beyond that. Get our relationship to the point where we can work together, learn from each other & be around each other... a lot. *That's* the type of relationship that i want to have with my children anyway.
So, our rams horns get locked...
We emerge from the fray a little frustrated, bedraggled & shaken... needing many tender hugs & smoochies, words of love & praise & comfort...
But, hopefully - we'll both be a little better for it.
Ready to start fresh with toast & coffee in front of the fire on a Tuesday morning...