She's so desperate...

Neil & i seem to be lovers, not fighters... except when it comes to that...
& even then... it seems that we're learning to cope with our differences & love seems to win over harsh words & tenderness over coldness.
We've always both been on the tender side with each other... both the babies of our families - peacemakers, companionable, comfortable, easy going... Each giving in when it seemed more important to the other - finding out we agree on more than we disagree on & that the middle ground wasn't too difficult to travel on...
My passion grounded by his realism... My artsiness made more beautiful by his practicality... My frustration reined in by his ability to see all sides of a situation. His sociableness stretches me, his generosity teaches me and his work ethic inspires me. i like to think that we're a perfect match...
i'm grateful for that... but i remember one fight we did have.
i remember feeling like i just wanted to hold my stubborn little body away from him.
There was a dissatisfied sadness looming over us & he went to go soak in the tub.
i remember the little battle in my own heart at that moment when i was about to learn a valuable lesson...
i felt like going... getting out of the house... showing him how frustrated i was... Running.
But i also felt...
Vulnerable... like i wanted him to hold me... & like i needed our *togetherness* more than anything. Staying.
In that moment, i decided to let love win.
i flung open the bathroom door & jumped into the tub with all my clothes on & held on with all my might.
Poor Neil... he laughed at me...
but i learned that i needed to let go of the personal space that i was withholding... i needed to let go of the things that divide & cling to the things that unite. While i knew (& i know) that that doesn't mean the resolution or the end of an argument... i found that even in the midst of a discussion i need to check my heart & make sure that love is always winning - not *me* - but love... i can't care if i look desperate, or crazy, or if i lose face - there's no score...
& so what if i am desperate?
There are some things that are worth being desperate over... & my magical marriage is one of them.

Poetry challenge...

See, i knew the sonnet would be coming to Minerva's poetry challenge at *some* point. i have this memory of trying to write in iambic pentameter in highschool & being a complete failure. Once again, i couldn't get the meter, but minerva encouraged me to post my poem anyway, saying it would just sound more 'fresh and modern' :) with my random meter. i'll take that. i did manage 10 syllables per line and i got the rhyming scheme right. My poem is about secrets in marriage - i can't even count the number of times that Neil or i have come to the other needing to 'get something out'. Marriage is a beautiful, safe place to do that - where your words will be sifted & where even if you say something 'wrong' - love will prevail.

In Secret

Alive, my secrets whisper'd in the dark;
i note with breakneck speed, my beating heart;
stops midstep - unsure - and in his face mark;
what feeling lies therein? Words stop... then start.

My secret swells and contracts between us;
Like a beating heart - no longer contained;
i lie still - (inside all's writhing, anxious)-
and wish fervently that she were still chained.

What obstacle would try to hold love back?
What worthy foe could ambush us and win?
Her pow'r when unspoken in inky black
dissipates now, becoming weak and thin.

Secrets crip'ling blow can only love cure;
at home where hearts are of each other sure.

************************************************
And just for fun, since i didn't post this one when she had her last poetry challenge, i'll post my "found poem" which is just a really fun way to say plagiarized writing... hehe. You can use anything for found poetry - a want ad, a newspaper article, rearranged music lyrics - etc. i chose to use an entry from a thesaurus.

Ever Adequate?

acceptable,
all right, capable, comfortable,
commensurate,
competent, decent, equal,
fair,
passable, requisite, satisfactory,
sufficient,
suitable, tolerable,unexceptional,
sufficing,
unobjectionable.
(content "found" on Thesaurus.com - synonyms for adequate)

*************************************************
As i found myself labouring over my sonnet, Neil came into the house & when i glanced up at him, i saw the house through his eyes. The breakfast dishes were still on the table, Gagey was running around in nothing but a diaper & it appeared i was sitting in my chair, doing... 'nothing'.
Guilt.
But, all at once, a different feeling rose in my chest.
My silly sonnet was important.
It was somthing that i was crafting for myself.
These were moments of time that i had carved out to try to create something. It didn't matter that my 3 quatraines with a rhyming couplet weren't going to earn me any money - or that for a few minutes my children were left to their own devices.
When i look back on my life, i feel sure that i would sacrifice an hour of cleaning for an hour of creativity. i pushed my guilt to the side & proceeded to do the dishes.
& after that...
i finished my Sonnet.

whoever taught molls...

the words for, "i like you so much better when you're naked." Should be punished.
Really.

surfer boy

Tucking Charter in at night is a different type of affair. You have to watch out for flailing arms and legs as he flips & flops around his bed talking about everything that seems to be flailing around in his little mind... God, his special toys, food, games, sisters, pretend wars, his fear of having another night terror...
One night i came in & flopped down beside him.
"Charter, this part of my leg is tight, how do you think i could stretch it out?"
This is a question he obviously likes... He flips over to his back flinging his bare white legs over his head & inadvertently showing me his spiderman undies.
"Like this?" he questions.
i smile.
"That'll work."
i try his special move & he giggles - his huge grown up teeth still framed by spaces waiting to be filled with more teeth.
i want to remember this boy forever. With just a sprinkling of freckles covering his perfect nose, and his white blond surfer hair hanging down into his blue eyes. i want to carve this happy child into my brain & pull the memory out again when he is a big man with a receding hairline & a booming voice with children & grandchildren of his own. i want to etch out this imprint of my boy, my son - while he's still mine & i haven't yet given him to his blushing bride.
He has a perfect miniature six-pack & big broad man shoulders... His toenails are dirty & i should really tell him to go brush his teeth. He has a tan on his chest, but the tops of his little legs are as white as a fish's belly. He has his daddy's hands. When he was born, the nurses told me they looked like baseball mitts. He has a thin white scar running up his pinky finger where a bowling ball smashed it on Cai's 7th birthday. He has knobby skinny knees and muscly legs...
Together we quote Psalm 91. He has my tendency for volume...
Drink, pee, brush teeth... The drill...
Finally down to the business of blankets, dimmed lights & lowered voices...
Suddenly, he flings his skinny arms around my neck & it's like a chemical reaction & the memory is set in stone. His little boy smell, the feel of his warm & slightly sticky self pressed against me, his blond hair flying into my eyes, my nose, covering my lips.
The moment is mine forever - another tiny gem to add to my treasure trove of motherhood.

what a difference a year makes....

Last year during our visit to Victoria, i was sitting at the far end of the table away from Neil, who was holding our sweet little baby on his lap while he was eating an ice cream treat. He was deep in conversation & as baby's fat hands reached up for his treat, Neil absently lowered his treat to baby's mouth to let him have a taste....
"NEEEEEEIIIIIIILLLLLLLL!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo!!!!" i screamed as i lunged across the table, dishes & food scattering in all directions... (not really, but you'd think it was that funny if you heard it described by my brother in law who still teases me about my reaction...)
Neil looked at me completely perplexed.
"NO SOLIDS!!! & Especially NO DAIRY!!!!" i mooo'd... (having had children with respiratory problems, i was a bit of a stickler about the no dairy thing with my subsequent children... ) Neil kinda rolled his eyes & lifted the ice cream out of baby's grasp with a little, "i'm sorry, little guy, momma won't let me..."
i had a flashback to that moment last week as i was on the beach with my little toddling son. He had a fist full of sand in one hand & his mouth was full of rocks... i had already rescued him from eating a cigarette butt & someones old slurpee straw... Finally, i brushed the sand out of his hand & gave him a big cheesie to chew on to keep his hands & mouth otherwise occupied. The toxic orange colour of the styrofoam nutritionless treat brought back my memory of Neil's almost mistake & i started to laugh.
What a difference a year makes...
*sigh*

rejoicing

My mother-in-law always has the best stories. This week, as we stopped by their house, creating our little tornado of destruction on our way back home, she told us a story that has been sticking with me ever since...
She told us about a little lady who since she had been put in palliative care was constantly being asked by caring friends and relatives, "How are you?"
Her response has always been the same, "Oh, i'm rejoicing."
They made a little wooden sign for her room with that word on it.
What a beautiful reminder for me today - Sometimes the valley is bleak, long, painful -
But we will never lose our reason to ever be -
rejoicing.

running on holidays

i wondered if my weak self would just quit after i got bragging rights by running a 10k.
So, imagine how pleased i was when after i ran it... i felt like running... more.
But -
(Isn't there always some big fat lame but?)
Here's the story. At the very end of my race... i mean, i could see the finish line... suddenly, i noticed an ache start in my knee. i didn't think much of it & finished the race & on home & felt pretty normal that day (Sunday). The next day, i took off 'cause i wasn't feeling great - we had company & stayed up too late eating... & i thought i had earned a rest day, but by Tuesday i was ready to roll again. i put on my runners & hit the road. About a half mile into my run, my knee started to ache again. i shortened my run, & walked some & got home not even winded. Next day the same thing happened, so i took Thursday off. Friday i thought, 'Surely by now my knee is fine... '
Nope.
So, all my runs have been pretty short (2-3.5 miles) ever since my 'big run' - which really wasn't that big of a run at all & was something i had worked my way up to & had already done a couple of times before...
While here on our vacation, i've just done a couple of really short (but nice hilly) runs.
i'm hoping to get back a little more distance in the next couple of weeks before i lose everything that i worked up to.
Am i too old to learn a new trick?
Am i too much of a wimp to keep going despite a bit of an obstacle?
What will our hero do in the face of adversity?
i'm likely more curious than you are...

i've been wearing my wedding rings upside down...

i told Neil i didn't even want an engagement ring.
Maybe because my mom never had one - maybe because of the circumstances surrounding our engagement, i didn't think i deserved one. Regardless, Neil ignored me. He went shopping & found a little ring he could afford & when he proposed to me at the little fogged out dock i had always wanted to be proposed to at, he slipped it on my finger & asked me to be his wife.
It has kind of a funny shape & we had to get my wedding ring notched out so that they could fit together... but for those months between February & May when i was fighting morning sickness, taking my finals and missing Neil like crazy - he said he wanted me at least to be wearing his ring...
i was 20 weeks along by the time i finished school & came running home to marry my prince charming. Boy, did it ever feel good to have that wedding ring join my engagement ring on my finger... As much as i had tried to insist to Neil that i didn't want him to compound mistakes by marrying me - did it ever feel good when he silenced all of my doubts and fears with his excited anticipation of our wedding day & the birthday of our little daughter only a few months later...
Have i mentioned that i have the best husband in the world?
So, the other day, he was playing with my rings... & he slipped them off my finger & ceremoniously slipped them on again, upside down.
"That's the one i gave you first," he said as my little diamond made it's way to the bottom of my finger... "and *then* this one..." as my thicker wedding band slid down to join it.
My wedding bands have been catching my eye lately - in their topsy turvy state.
The symbol of our love & our vows made before God - 'till death do us part.
My whole engagement and marriage were put together upside down too...
What grace has my God that he has taken what was upside down & righted it - that He allowed us to make right what we chose to start wrong... That He didn't allow the consequences of our sin to drown us - but He rescued us from our own failings and allowed us to have something beautiful in place of rebellion and arrogance and ignorance.
May He continue to be our cloud and fire - and the central theme that draws us closer together.

blogcation

Sitting outside in the peace and beauty of my parent's place in Victoria, i watch my sweet 5 year old dance in the grass waving bright green leaves. Suddenly, she starts to sing -
"Oh no, you never let go of me..." She's singing to Jesus...
i can't help but join in... until i notice she's not singing anymore.
She's standing in front of me, arms crossed with her nose about an inch from my face.
"Less talky, more looky."
Ahhhh, chastened...
******************************
After a day out on my parent's new boat, i collapsed in the teeny cabin & shut my eyes as we motored home... Suddenly a sharp little voice is squealing in my ear,
"MOMMA!!! HOW CAN YOU BE SLEEPING ON THIS GREAT ADVENTURE!!!"
She bops my head unceremoniously as i try to ignore her.
Four second later, she is sprawled out next to me dead to the world.
Yes... i'll admit... i was tempted...
******************************
Shall i spare you Mollen's operetta on the ferry? i know, it sounds like a story you'd like to hear, but it was in the bathroom...
It was an operetta detailing her adventures in the bathroom...
While 2 other ladies snickered at me i stood there with a weak grin, willing the song to end as i waited for her to emerge from the stall.
*****************************
Someone ratted on me to Neil & told him that i blogged about him buying me coffee. He decided he needed to check out my lies, & as i was scrolling to the right place, he glanced at my sidebar & exclaimed, "WHAT??!! God has more posts than ME???"
*******************************
My mom was tucking Mollen into bed & she suggested that they should scooch over so that there would be room for Peyton, "Nuh- uhn!!" Molls retorted, "i'm not sitting in YOUR farty place!"
********************************
Gagey was fussing in the van & his fussing became more loud & insistent the longer he was ignored till Mollen piped up, "Uh oh! Look out people, he's gonna BLOW!"
**************************************
So, as i said, i'm on holidays... so blogging may or may not be sparse this week... i seem to always find the time & desire to write, so we'll see...
& yes, i realize i have 6 kids & most of my quotes are from only one of them... Let's pray that the rest of them NEVER catch up to her in their smarty smart mouth ways k?

It's the End Of The World.

Woke up to about a teaspoon of coffee in our coffee container.
Neil & i looked at each other.
What do we do?
He valiantly gets his shoes & keys & offers to go to Second Cup - right down the road - & pick up more beans. Do i just want the beans? Or do i want him to get me a fancy coffee?
My heart skips a beat as he looks at me expectantly...
He has a glint in his eye like he's almost laughing at me.
Maybe he's remembering the time when he sent me into the movie store to pick up a movie. We lived in a town - (village?) of *maybe* 500 & some guy renovated his front porch into a movie store. He had some shoe racks with about a dozen movies that he rented out... (if i'm exaggerating, it's not by much...) Anyway, Neil was our resident movie pick-er-out-er, but that day, he'd had enough & he sent *me* in to find something...
45 minutes later. FORTY-FIVE minutes later, i came out with nothing. i couldn't pick. He laughed, bound into the store and out again in 30 seconds with some random movie in his hands.
My man, the mover and the shaker.
And me. Completely disabled by decision making.
Funny, since i've made some pretty tough ones over the years - homeschooling being one of them...
Anyway - back to the coffee...
"i don't know..." i blush... it's first thing in the morning & i'm caught off guard. It's such a simple question - & yet...
He looks at me & says, "Honey. If it were the best day of your life, what would happen?" He grins.
Why does he do that?
Because he loves me.
He wants to be the knight in shining armour that makes my day perfect.
"Never mind."
He slips on his shoes & leaves.
5 minutes later, he's back. Vanilla bean latte in one hand & a bag of Paradiso coffee beans in the other.
My knight in shining armour. Saves me from the perilous land of decision making yet again...